A little tangent for ya...

For 17 months I have been bitter, angry and frustrated about the fact that I'm not pregnant.  It's been hard to see people that have been trying less time than us get pregnant, have the baby and now the baby is almost 6 months old.  Church was hell.  Going and seeing the cute little kids and all the women that are sporting a new belly was torture.  It seems like everyone I know has either had a baby recently or is pregnant.  Except for me.

Then 2 months ago my attitude somehow changed.  Yeah, it sucks that we want something that we feel is a righteous desire and we're not getting it.  But my life is amazing.  I am married to the most wonderful man I have ever met.  We have the 4 most adorable animals I could ever ask for.  My family is extremely supportive and loving.  I live in SEATTLE.  We're financially secure and are even able to go out and do fun things.  For the most part I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.  I can sleep until 10 in the morning if I want to.  And for the first time in a very long time I feel like my relationship with my Heavenly Father is growing.

Every month that I wasn't pregnant I would get upset and came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father thought I was going to be a bad mother and that's why I wasn't getting pregnant.  But I'm learning that's not true.  All of the events that have happened in my life have occured at the perfect time.  When my family moved to Seattle, when I joined the Church, where I went to college, when I met Brent, how he got the job in Seattle when he did (these are just a few) happened at the exact time they were supposed to and everything worked out perfectly.  Heavenly Father knows when the best time for me to get pregnant is.  And when that time is right, it's going to happen.  I KNOW I'm going to be a mom, I just don't know when that exact time is yet.  But I do feel like it's close. 

In the past when I've dealt with trials I've pushed Him away.  My attitude had been if He really loved me He wouldn't make me go through what was happening.  But everyone has trials.  And for the first time in my life I am really learning that when I'm dealing with trials is the time to turn to Him the most.  My heart has been broken for a while now, but I'm betting His is, too.  He wants us to be parents.  He knows the desires of our hearts and knows how important this is to us.  I've always believed that Heavenly Father loves me, but for the first time I actually am feeling His love for ME.  I matter to Him.  I've also learned that it's a lot easier and healthier to have a positive attitude about the fertility struggles we're going through.  I have been happier these last few months than I have been in a long time. 

I've never been a patient person.  When I want something I obsess until I get it.  This has forced me to learn patience.  And I've also realized that if I had gotten pregnant after a few months like most people seem to do, then I wouldn't appreciate it like I'm going to.  When this trial ends and we are blessed with a little baby, it's going to be that much more special because we had to work and fight for this.  I'm going to appreciate the morning sickness and the stretch marks because it means that we're going to get a baby out of this.  I'm going to be a little more grateful for the sleepless nights and the poopy diapers. 

I don't know when this problem with fertility is going to end, but it will.  It's so much nicer to go to church and enjoy the cute kids and then go home with my amazing husband to our cute critters.  I still might want to scowl at all the pregnant women, but hey, no one's perfect.  After all of this ends I'm not only going to get a precious little baby, but I'm also going to have a better, stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father.  And that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.